I would like to apologize to the future me, and potential readers, for this post in advance.
Life is painful, but lately I've been comparing post-graduate life to getting your teeth pulled.
It's easier to curl into one's own shell and be distant and petty and self-focused. I believe people are like that by nature, and fight to be better their whole lives.
People I love, I cannot ask you to be better to me. That will only show my need for you, and that's not what you need- it will only push you farther away. So until you realize it yourself, I'll just take it in stride.

SOMEDAY, MR. FRED, YOU TAKE THIS BOOK,
TURN IT INTO A NOVEL. EVERYTHING IS THERE. JUST FILL IN THE DETAILS.

WOULD BE GOOD FOR SOME LAUGHS.

NO. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
THIS IS A BOOK WOULD BREAK THE HEART.
"MR. FITZSIMMONS-- POWDER ROOM, $50.
"LESS $18--REPAIR ONE BLACK SATIN DRESS.
CAT FOOD, 27 CENTS."

SALLY, DARLING, PLEASE STOP. YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT JACK FITZSIMMONS. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE RAT.
BUT I GUESS, OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY BUT RATS.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FRED HERE.
YOU DO THINK FRED IS NICE, DON'T YOU?

FOR YOU... I HOPE HE IS.

chaaanges

I was standing, drinking coffee for breakfast, in the spot where my dad and I took my graduation photo earlier this year, and saw this ad. Right under the Madison Square Garden sign.

throwback to 2004

redoing my portfolio i came a lot of old, still applicable images. enjoy

Somewhere in between graduation and right now, I got lost. I had an amazing relationship. I had interned at Cosmopolitan Magazine, the NY Historical Society, and HBO. I was the New School Graphic Designer, earning money while going to classes and taking care of my cat. I had a nice studio apartment in the Village that I lived in for years. I was acting.
And these past few months, I've been in a pretentious existential disillusioned funk a la Dustin Hoffman in "the Graduate", knowing that whatever I do now really affects the rest of my life and not wanting to accept it.
So, instead of staying at home watching tv, or backpacking through Europe, or going straight into a job. I lost sight of my boarding school and NY college education. I let myself look at my little brother being at Oxford and my roommate getting engaged as things I could have but didn't want. But I was wrong. I want it all. From here on out I vow to focus on me. I am capable of it all, have been trained too, and deserve it all back, and more. I'm remaking my design portfolio, went over my resume with Kitty last night, have a good agent and am not talking to anyone other than my old friends (who I've known for at least 4 years) and my family. All else is distraction.

These things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

see I could gain the world and make some money, but it's nothing without you, it's nothing without you really
I can change the world, still be a dummy, but it's nothing without you, it's nothing without you really

I was on set this morning eating a Boston Creme donut... and started thinking about how I once told someone they were like the cream to my donut; it makes the donut worthwhile and the rest is just the shell really. Just a memory, a thought, right? So I bite into the donut and start chewing... make it all the way through the donut. And, funnily enough.... there was no filling in this morning's Boston Creme donut. Yup. good story.