"Do you even go to this school?" "I just have a lot of feelings" - mean girls

My mom was saying that as the first child I got a lot of love growing up. As soon as my dad came home from work he'd want to hold me, and walk with me, so that I couldnt sleep unless he stayed up all night walking around with me. So finally they got a battery-powered crib that would rock me.
She said I was so spoiled, that now I expect a lot of love, and even the smallest hurt, hurts me more. I've gotten okay with being alone over the years, but it's hard to quel my feelings sometimes.
Although I have plenty of love for myself, I wonder if I learned from infancy, a really unrealistic capacity for being loved.

signed,
emo and greedy andrea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGhy7gzJgDo
Audrey Kawaski.
This sweet little (i mean short) film I did back in college junior year got featured on serialoptimist.com. http://www.serialoptimist.com/fashion/a-short-film-the-animalmen-3925.html

I finally have my new printer/scanner set up!
I've been aching to put my new sketches and stuff on here.

On the subject of street art, I think it's selfish to think if (and we are) given beauty every day, that one shouldn't in every way try to give it back to the world somehow, and one of the clearest, most selfless ways is the anonymous claiming of surfaces by people who tag.

Constantly impressed: "It's like we're strangers, It's like you come from outer space"

We want something in common; me.

Someone stupid once told me they think life is easier for good looking people, or people who look of good character.

Also on the subject of street art, I think it's selfish to think if (and we are) given beauty every day, that one shouldn't in every way try to give it back to the world somehow, and one of the clearest, most selfless ways is the anonymous claiming of surfaces by people who tag.

I'm feeling frustrated and what good are journals or diaries or blogs unless you can vent, in fact I remember when I was young, I'd write when I was either
1. really upset and wanted to either get it out of my system, or
2. really happy and wanted to remember it and hold on to the feeling.
So this is one of those bad moments (I'd argue that most of the time when I write in here I'm happy) that I don't want to remember in a week's time.

I can't sleep and I'm seeing people who I used to audition with get parts that I went in for, seeing people less convicted than I in college get better design work, and people who were better than me, still looking for a job. Life is unfair, and as someone who always thought things worked out in the end, I'm wondering about this grand plan. I watched "Blue Valentine" last night, and was struck at the unfairness of love, and good intentions. If love doesn't change, and grow, you lose it (so why do we promise our friends and family that our love won't change).



I used to listen to this song and feel comforted and now I realize that if love doesn't change and mature as we do, it goes away (and therefore changes anyway). I love how Roger Ebert puts it in his his review of Blue Valentine:
"Dean seems stuck. He seems to stay fixed at the initial stage. Can you see the difference between (1) "He loves me as much as he always did," and (2) "He loves me exactly like he always did"?"
So I won't say I still love the same. I'd say that it's an ever-learning, stumbling along kind of love. And I'd like to not feel wronged about not getting love, or feeling unfairness directed at myself or those I care about. I've never been given more than I can take, or felt that my life wasn't worthwhile.

And while I might be whining about the unfairness of life, and feelings- as long as I keep stumbling along- I mean what choice do I have- I'll be fine.


Despite Chris Brown's latest news, I identify with this song because stumbling kind of is like crawling, and seems remorseful but determined.

I saw this old photo of my brother and have to say it's one of my favorites. High school orchestra winner..

People in my life are like ghosts passing though; repeating memories of different past experiences. I guess the value in it is to learn from the past though and make it better, with practice.
Even pets. Holding Booty this afternoon, watching tv, I suddenly remembered how my pet bunny, Bunny, used to feel when I held her. Same white paws. Same huffy breathing sometimes (similar name now that I think of it). Small, fragile bodies, but a burst of energy when tired of being held.
Of course Booty is now, Bunny was then. but it felt so sad all of a sudden to be holding something that was so similar to someone else years ago.
EDIT: But Booty's smarter than a rabbit.

What's the point of having a gun if you don't use it?

Also I've finally seen an old spice guy commercial. Sweet waters of friendship and trust... staying in. like!

She Looks Delicious- Shoot 3/13/11

Rehearsal

rehearsal tomorrow and work and then dinner hopefully.
going to bed early tonightie

Google before you tweet. and Think before you Speak.

getting my lashes done, playing with hipstamatic
http://albinaspa.com/

Andrea Chen in "The Bridge"- watch Online http://thebridge.filmbinder.com/

commit

I was talking to my coworker today about lunch choices, and he said "I can't commit". I replied "My friend said that about whether or not they should go out with a group of us friends the other night. I asked 'are you coming out' and she said 'I'd like too but I don't want to commit myself'. Isn't it funny how the word can apply to things like eating and hanging out?" I always thought it was so loaded.
When I saw my friend CJ after work at Starbucks, he mentioned hanging out this weekend and I used this word- again. He said "I have to say you're probably the most committment phobic person I know". And it wasn't just because I have filming on Saturday and dont know if I can hang. In the last year I've been juggling a lot of things.
And then I thought about all of this on my way home because I passed this sign in front of a church near me.
"I just want to leave a committed life behind" -MLK Jr.
Maybe this is a sign that I should change. In all things, I'd like to be more settled and intentional.

Ohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable.
You're the only one, I would take a shot on
keep me hanging on, so contagiously

If my favorite literary characters estella havisham and dorian gray could only have a love child, I would want to be it.