All week been sort of feeling.. powerless. Halloween is coming. got candy at work today.

I realize I look best when I feel like sh*t

bless and danny and mussels at whatever tattoo

me sipping with jenny and oscar in the back of pop burger

i confess i messed with the sign in the bathroom in my favorite indian restaurant on bleecker. sorry indian taj

"I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me
I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me"
-florence and the machine

I still believe in man, a wise one asked me why
Cause I just don't believe we're wicked
I know that we sin but I do believe we try
We all try, the girls try, the boys try

ONLY THE YOUNG DIE YOUNG

ONLY THE YOUNG DIE YOUNG:

via http://suicidewatch.tumblr.com/page/5

been thinking of this forever... jung, oscar wilde, every actor, all talk about these two faces. theres a male and female side. hidden and shown side. real and aspirational side. and I'm obsessed with time and watches more than debatedly lewis carroll. slightly phallic lookin. I'm thinking yes.

waiting for things that might not come.

as in: friends to call back, acting jobs, the best holiday plane ticket prices.

The other night my friend jenny (who's going through some stuff), asked if i'm ever going to settle down. It got to me; she's known me forever, and didnt know. I dont want to be like these douches who never have families or want to give of themselves to others in that way.
Also I'm getting the sniffles despite lots of vitamins and emergen-c in my water at work.. so cold out. Holidaze!

EDIT: I ate the cookies.
Robert Downey Jr: "It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gun metal."
Originally:
Eating sunflower seeds in vanilla yogurt, and concord grapes for breakfast. (I couldve eaten halloween cookies but thought better of it)
Lying in bed, typing into the macbook air, about to watch some ally mcbeal...

I know I should choose my thoughts carefully, because they define oneself. But if I could just allow a little self indulgent angst out... that'd be great.

If I were to be really honest with myself I'd say I never really forgot it.

The somehow self pitying self loaning sickness that starts in your stomach and creeps through your bones till it leaks out your eye creases.
When the heart aches, it comes out in cold sores and pimples and tightness of the upper back muscles. Wanting to sleep all day, and not being able to sleep at night. Food tastes different, and your mind seems clearer, sharper, but obsessed with this inner life that one just wants to get away from- and therefore kept from any real purpose.

my heart is soft/ my dad

"My heart has thawed and continues to beat." (from "June on the West Coast" by Bright Eyes)

Someone very dear to me is about to lose her sister.
People who I never thought would be in my life again, are like a ghost coming back. And others I thought would stay are very far away. The song 'wheel' by john mayer especially the bit about airports comes to mind.
So my dad and I have a pretty strong amazing relationship that I've always been grateful for. Despite me and my brother feeling like we had to run away and suffocated during high school, and me running away basically to boarding school because I felt so oppressive and stifled (although I studied classical singing which was me and my dad's way to bond growing up), there's no other relationship that's so unconditional and that I've valued more than others. His views on my friendships relationships and career were never wrong, so I always followed it while sometimes being stubborn... and because I followed it logically i must've valued him more than any of those things. It's so strange, really. An inordinately high amount of my close friends lost their fathers young and I think are drawn to the relationship which informs so much of what I say the advice I relay to them. And maybe is why I've never completely fell away from religion ever, the idea of a Heavenly Father that will always be there. And why I love and expect so much from people, even other men; because I know it's possible to really care. Until nature or God take him away I'm reminded of the only guy who's ever always been there for me my whole life, who I must always keep close.

new glasses!

Friday, worked all day at 1st dibs, then went uptown n worked with shirley. then bless and danny and lawrence had some food at happy hr at this place called mccormick and schmicks, hung out at my place for a while and watched this show on netflix i like called louie.
Saturday i ate at veselka (salmon latka something and borchst with beef), got glasses at fabulous fannies, cheesecake and spogiaghetti (?) at venieros, and hung out in belchertown brooklyn, where eating is always strange and healthy.
"you're using your headphones to drown out your mind"
(eet by regina spektor)
Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" had it all wrong. I love the movie- girl with a cat who loves her neighbor in NY- but instead of the eclair with coffee (which does have its merits)- this is where its at! Strawberry Sprinkled, with a tall, skim, with sugar.
Is this an oriole? i found it on my block walking around this morning. Sad.. Also its so cold lately. Toni and Nick are in town again and around. Havent heard any news from Katy or Wendy, almost pointedly but people get busy.
I think people stress the most about things they can't control- precisely for that reason. I said last night that I'm at 23 not ready to wife anyone but there are definitely moments where I look at a person and go soft... I look at objects and the rain and friends and my heart catches.