What it This Really is All There Is

(life just has to matter)
I'm not trying to sound heretical or prophetilizing, but was gripped for a moment tonight by a sudden awareness of our collective mortality. Tonight I went to see "God's Fool" at 59 E 59th st, and was really moved by the story of St Francis Assisi. Religious subject matter as a rule can either really scare and upset me, or comfort. Around halfway through, when St Francis meets the Sultan of Egypt, I wondered loudly in my head, what if when we die, something grey and strange and possibly fulfilling happens- is our old life discounted, or really gone? How is the most important thing- living, so quick? I forget days that have only recently happened, and as I grow older, things seem to move faster, and I can barely keep track, but for documenting in diaries and this blog, and through painting and sketching, the progress of life as it continues. When singing, it's the desperate cry to impact listening ears. When acting, to burn ones visage through different stories, into the viewers visual concious. But when I go what if it wasn't enough- isn't that everyone's worst fear? What if I'm forgotten and it was all for nothing, and it was like I never existed. As someone who was raised Christian, I hold onto the belief that no matter what, people must matter and our lives are filled with love no matter what- and that even if cut short, something continues on. But, I was scared tonight. Shirley said I should try and make my life matter. I said, matter to who? Other people? and I think she said yes. I want so much to believe that no matter what, there's something to look forward too, and nothings wasted. And logically to me, it makes sense to believe what could turn out to be nothing, just in case there is something- than to immediately write off what could be. However- while believing that there must be hope, I would very much like this life to not feel cut short at the end someday.