I WISH I COULD JUST BE HAPPY

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

"When you feel scared, hold someone’s hand, look into their eyes. When you feel brave, do the same thing. You are here because you’re smart and brave, and if you add to that kindness and the ability to change a tire, you almost make up the perfect person."

-Amy Poehler to Harvard Grads during Class Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7N_L_pu74k&feature=player_embedded

Like a child about to get a vaccination, and doesnt understand why it's happening, instead of getting angry (which hardens a person), or anxious (which makes one more fragile), to trust the parents and be still, is what I think might be the best course of action.
I got a lot of books today. Another copy of Dorian Gray, poems by Lord Byron, This Side of Paradise by F Scott Fitzgerakd, and Neitzche.

all i have are memories and hope, and nothing to really connect them
(if what would connect them is the present, and memories and hope are respectively, the past and future).
Kid Rock said it was when he started feeling like a rock star, and acting like it, that he started to have a career. Interesting. I get so down on myself sometimes about what I dont get, when if I had a more positive mindset I think I'd not only feel more successful, but maybe be that way.

According to Ciara's wiki page, an r&b singer's voice has to have three emotions: Sexy, Sassy, and Sad.
I'm hung up on people and the things I want to do with my life.

When I started this blog back in 2006 I had just come to New York City, had never had a boyfriend, a full fledged career, or knew what I wanted to do with my life specifically.
5 years later, I've supposedly learned all these things, and am feeling that despite all these years going by, I'm once again in that position I was in upon first arriving here. I want so much to be in love and have all my hard work pay off. I feel I know kind of what I want to do, but if I work so hard and havent gotten it, is it worth it?
I made a whole plan in my head this afternoon about how I could sell all my stuff, give my cat away, and sublet my place. I could take the money and run away to some little town in Maine and get an honest, menial job, and live in a cheap hotel by the ocean.
No expectations from me, or for me. get myself right. disappear. never want anything again.

new haircut

I havent had pinkberry in a really long time, but it was delicious. Was stressing all week about things I cant control. I feel so much calmer right now thanks to some caring words and frozen yogurt. Shirley said tonight, that I need to regain the power I used to have as a woman. and I've resolved too. I said I wouldnt get serious with anyone this past year, and I haven't. This coming year I'm going to be by myself even more; remember who I was back in high school, thinking I was hot shit all the time, getting guys hung up on me without ever giving more than a hug. I was also told I will realize who my soulmate is, and that I might already know him. we'll see. I'd like someone I can trust, but I need to question first if his primary concerns are similar to mine.

I wrote this earlier this week:
All I want to do is Photoshop pretty things or audition, come home cook watch an episode of something and sleep with the cat curled around my head. I've become so tired of people lately. I can count on one hand, those in my life I can trust other than my family. Guys just want to sleep with you, girls just want to compete with you.
And since I can't be with the guy I want? Focus on me and my career I guess the part of it I can control. Lying in bed right now dreaming of sitting at urth in west hollywood again wanting more time away from this city of tough broken people. Ironic that I'd wish for another city known for shallow entertainment obsessed people who also all want to use each other. I could really just use a person to understand me again and want nothing more than to know there were two like us in the world that i could count on.
I don't want to date, dont want to girltalk or dish or vent to anyone... Just want to curl up inside myself and not hurt ever again.
I love for too long and never learned to pick the right people to be around. I left home and learned the hard way.
For someone who's supposed to be as smart as my brother, I'm waiting to see if I learn from life what I should while living right and retaining some sort of heart. And I'm scared that I care too much and work too hard... for what?

this weekend was ...something.

I could use some NZT-48 right now (watch limitless)

"people need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want... Our life stories and the history of the world were written by the sane hand"

the alchemist

Real eyes realize real lies

I hardly ever get annoyed. I feel mostly numb and wishful lately. But a familiar sophomoric feeling washes over me at the clinic after 2 hrs of waiting. (this is funny to me because sophomore yr was my first time here and I was also annoyed) Why the fuck.
So they caught and killed Osama. Thanks Obama.
Reading the alchemist right now, halfway done.
I had a couple good auditions last week, but no calls yet. Men and friends always revise how they feel and I stare at a computer for a living instead of talking to people. At least they both are related to art or interacting.

Now I dont normally do the whole oh-i-know-soandso, or i-met-soandso thing, but I just have too a little bit super quickly.. because I don't know if stuff cooler than this will all happen in a week again.
1. I missed my design job's (!st Dibs) Spring Show hosted by Ivanka Trump wednesday.
2. had a lot of fun kareoking last weekend with Elizabeth Taylor's granddaughter and Brian who plays Simba in the Lion King on Broadway right now.
3. and bumped into Edward Norton talking to a short woman intensely, on the sidewalk near my apartment.

Everyone just wants to see themselves in each other's eyes (aka is full of it)

I'm sitting here right now watching some old Woody Allen films my brother recommended and trying to figure out what to eat. It got cold again today, whyy... I'd like to just be able to say it was summer already.
Did two things for the first time today, 1. Ate Dim Sum (I know, I'm chinese too.. it was delicious) 2. Got a facial at this place on Mott St and Hester. Did my eyebrows and everything.. very relaxing.
I've been listening to a lot of love songs lately. It's been a really nice week. At the start of it I lost my wallet though, so I need to replace my drivers license.

Don't make molehills out of mountains