http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/69301813.html

In the face of life's incompleteness, do we elevate or destroy ourselves.

Its always alright in the end. If its not alright, its not the end.
(The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel)
Reading tenessee williams' "desire and the black masseur" tonight. Took a pic of a really good excerpt:
http://instagr.am/p/K6FhhVr2q2/

Eating Fish lately

Yesterday I was wandering around Chinatown and of course ended up at Red Egg and was charged what I wanted to be charged for some fish bok choy and rice. familiar. good food and people. i like being a bartender.
Today I got halal food with three types of rice (yeggie, yellow, and basmati), fish and chicken.

Sometimes I think growing up is just being more okay with things not working the way you want all the time.
When I was younger I would get so blindingly, terribly frustrated when things weren't right. Even now, the only times I get angry are when i feel injustice or that I need to vent righteous anger somehow. But I learn that the calm one always wins. And that being numb, and quiet, you notice the activity and noise of the world more. It's sad to lose your natural instinct though. I can't decide which is better.
In the bible we were taught, be as innocent as doves and as cunning as snakes.

i'm planting a garden in my windowsill. a grapevine i brought back from maine. barley grass that cats like, from a seed packet i found in the apartment lobby. and i found a bag of potatoes sprouting in my kitchen- i remember cutting off the sprouting sections (throwing out the rest) and planting them when i was a little kid and the smell of soil.

another person at the bar last night, a regular, was talking about how he couldn't get it out of his head that his wife who he met at 18, each other's first loves, had an affair once. but i examined my own life maybe it's a generational thing, everyone i've ever loved, loved someone else too. why get jealous; if you have something beautiful of course other people have wanted it, just be glad you have it.

nothing is for keeps... the times are a' changing, i'm nothing that i know, except this is us, this is love, this is where i sleep.

someone who works with me at the bar was telling me how he shares all his money with his girlfriend. they just put in all they have. he has a tattoo of her initials on his forearm. they're so happy. he's 24. he said life is better with another person.
i said i'm better alone because i havent been ready, and when it's right it'll be the most amazing right thing. but i dont want to be with myself half the time, how can i expect anyone else to want too. i want to travel and be better than I am right now, and when i'm the most awesome i can be, that's when i want it to happen.

also I lost my phone yesterday and i'm kind of okay with trying to live without it for now. i suspended it.

today I watched cruel intentions, fatal attraction, and indecent proposal. (thank you netflix instant watch)

I get a stab of panic when I see tribes in the jungle who have this whole other way of seeing the world than myself. I wonder how they view things and whether I have the proper grasp of what it is to be fully human, or have a complete life/ soul. Then I wonder if I'll ever get to long enough hours, see enough, and understand more than i've been given. Leave a record of what I see so it's considered important or worthwhile- and what'll happen to me afterwards.
My first morning in Maine when I was walking through the rain early in the morning, I came upon a man who hadnt shaved, was dressed like he seemed; out of his mind with grief or drugs, screaming "Jimmy, Jimmy". Moved and scared, I really wanted the right person to answer him.