I'm feeling frustrated and what good are journals or diaries or blogs unless you can vent, in fact I remember when I was young, I'd write when I was either
1. really upset and wanted to either get it out of my system, or
2. really happy and wanted to remember it and hold on to the feeling.
So this is one of those bad moments (I'd argue that most of the time when I write in here I'm happy) that I don't want to remember in a week's time.

I can't sleep and I'm seeing people who I used to audition with get parts that I went in for, seeing people less convicted than I in college get better design work, and people who were better than me, still looking for a job. Life is unfair, and as someone who always thought things worked out in the end, I'm wondering about this grand plan. I watched "Blue Valentine" last night, and was struck at the unfairness of love, and good intentions. If love doesn't change, and grow, you lose it (so why do we promise our friends and family that our love won't change).



I used to listen to this song and feel comforted and now I realize that if love doesn't change and mature as we do, it goes away (and therefore changes anyway). I love how Roger Ebert puts it in his his review of Blue Valentine:
"Dean seems stuck. He seems to stay fixed at the initial stage. Can you see the difference between (1) "He loves me as much as he always did," and (2) "He loves me exactly like he always did"?"
So I won't say I still love the same. I'd say that it's an ever-learning, stumbling along kind of love. And I'd like to not feel wronged about not getting love, or feeling unfairness directed at myself or those I care about. I've never been given more than I can take, or felt that my life wasn't worthwhile.

And while I might be whining about the unfairness of life, and feelings- as long as I keep stumbling along- I mean what choice do I have- I'll be fine.


Despite Chris Brown's latest news, I identify with this song because stumbling kind of is like crawling, and seems remorseful but determined.