I know I should choose my thoughts carefully, because they define oneself. But if I could just allow a little self indulgent angst out... that'd be great.

If I were to be really honest with myself I'd say I never really forgot it.

The somehow self pitying self loaning sickness that starts in your stomach and creeps through your bones till it leaks out your eye creases.
When the heart aches, it comes out in cold sores and pimples and tightness of the upper back muscles. Wanting to sleep all day, and not being able to sleep at night. Food tastes different, and your mind seems clearer, sharper, but obsessed with this inner life that one just wants to get away from- and therefore kept from any real purpose.

my heart is soft/ my dad

"My heart has thawed and continues to beat." (from "June on the West Coast" by Bright Eyes)

Someone very dear to me is about to lose her sister.
People who I never thought would be in my life again, are like a ghost coming back. And others I thought would stay are very far away. The song 'wheel' by john mayer especially the bit about airports comes to mind.
So my dad and I have a pretty strong amazing relationship that I've always been grateful for. Despite me and my brother feeling like we had to run away and suffocated during high school, and me running away basically to boarding school because I felt so oppressive and stifled (although I studied classical singing which was me and my dad's way to bond growing up), there's no other relationship that's so unconditional and that I've valued more than others. His views on my friendships relationships and career were never wrong, so I always followed it while sometimes being stubborn... and because I followed it logically i must've valued him more than any of those things. It's so strange, really. An inordinately high amount of my close friends lost their fathers young and I think are drawn to the relationship which informs so much of what I say the advice I relay to them. And maybe is why I've never completely fell away from religion ever, the idea of a Heavenly Father that will always be there. And why I love and expect so much from people, even other men; because I know it's possible to really care. Until nature or God take him away I'm reminded of the only guy who's ever always been there for me my whole life, who I must always keep close.

new glasses!

Friday, worked all day at 1st dibs, then went uptown n worked with shirley. then bless and danny and lawrence had some food at happy hr at this place called mccormick and schmicks, hung out at my place for a while and watched this show on netflix i like called louie.
Saturday i ate at veselka (salmon latka something and borchst with beef), got glasses at fabulous fannies, cheesecake and spogiaghetti (?) at venieros, and hung out in belchertown brooklyn, where eating is always strange and healthy.
"you're using your headphones to drown out your mind"
(eet by regina spektor)
Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" had it all wrong. I love the movie- girl with a cat who loves her neighbor in NY- but instead of the eclair with coffee (which does have its merits)- this is where its at! Strawberry Sprinkled, with a tall, skim, with sugar.
Is this an oriole? i found it on my block walking around this morning. Sad.. Also its so cold lately. Toni and Nick are in town again and around. Havent heard any news from Katy or Wendy, almost pointedly but people get busy.
I think people stress the most about things they can't control- precisely for that reason. I said last night that I'm at 23 not ready to wife anyone but there are definitely moments where I look at a person and go soft... I look at objects and the rain and friends and my heart catches.

thats what its like

Three of Us Studios has to be the only casting office in the city with a weapons policy sign in the lobby... right? Mac n cheese experiments

Booty and I having cupcakes for dinner
Love's like the sun, always giving never getting.