If I am distant sometimes, I'm just giving out what's been given me. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Children, be as innocent as doves, and as cunning as snakes. “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves" (Matthew 10:16)
Was sick yesterday and today, rested finally. I've been working too hard. My parents think it unusual that I still try and talk to people, given the sort of transient life I've grown accustomed too lately. Apparently I should be stressed about things I can't help, and only think of that. But I want to get closer to you, given time.

♫ "I never thought I'd be so tired at 22." - St Elmo's Fire

One thing I don't like about being sick, is being forced to be alone with your thoughts. I don't like it. Too much and I can't get away from it. Also I slept for 14 hours; didn't realize my body wanted that much rest. Is it a sign? Am I putting my energy into the wrong places? (yes).

This is the story of everyone (worth knowing) 's life:
I loved someone very much, and it didn't work out. And life won't be the same unless it someday works out. And until then my life has a void that I fill with ___.
Also. I want to be like Lil Wayne in his documentary where he says he doesnt care about anyone, or anything. I don't want to get there the same way, seems like he's been through some crazy things, but. At times, I'd like to be able to say that.

pleasure vs. happiness

I've been rereading Dorian Gray, and there's a lot I love about it that isn't written in this post yet- but one of the chief themes is the idea of pleasure as compared to happiness.
First of all, they're two different things. If Happiness is the opposite of suffering, then pleasure is as Milan Kundera writes (in Slowness)"the fundamental notion of hedonism... since pleasures often bring more unhappiness than happiness".
So what I can gather lately is to be happy doesn't mean necessarily needing to experience all the things in this world that might feel good or bring pleasure. I used to admire Dorian because he didn't have a conscience, (and wanted to take advantage of his youth, and experience all things) but eventually the constant hiding of it kills you, so I think it'd be better to live with one. and be happy.
I think he actually states at one point in the book, when a woman asks him if he's been happy, that he's gotten a lot of pleasure out of life, but can't say that he's been happy for most of it.

Happy Thanksgiving

I slept in, practiced some guitar. My neighbor Nick and I got some thanksgiving food at Gene's Restaurant down the street, which was nice. Talked on the phone to loved ones, then went to sleep early. Got work at 6:30 AM tomorrow.

Okay, I've rethought some things. My website will have some artwork, and new films and stuff, but not be my main venting area like this blog is. Couldn't leave lol.. so I'm back here :)
But definitely check out andrea-chen.com when you can.

"I remember back when I was in high school I used to feel things so strongly, about people who I cared about, what I wanted to do.

I still like certain people, and know generally what I want to do with myself, but I've been let down before.

It's funny how the absence of something or someone makes you realize how much you care."

"Since graduation, I've been auditioning (auditioned for Hangover 2, and guest roles on a TBS and CBS show). "The Bridge" just won "Best Film" and "Best Directing" at International First Film Festival in China, trailer here: http://www.vimeo.com/1242945

I've been freelancing design for companies like Keanan Duffty, and the National Black Theatre Co. but am still looking for full-time work.
My parents have been supportive but a little anxious. My brother just got a great investment banking job and hasn't even graduated Oxford yet. My sister's about to apply for college soon."

when you're cold

"fighting or begging, life hurts your knees" -the black kids

I'm happy right now. Everything might just be alright in the world.
On the subway, felt so peaceful on the walk over; something fitting.

You know what my last blog post reminded me of just now?
In one of my favorite books, "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss,

"2. WHAT I AM NOT
My brother and I used to play a game. I'd point to a chair. "THIS IS NOT A CHAIR," I'd say. Bird would point to the table. "THIS IS NOT A TABLE." "THIS IS NOT A WALL," I'd say. "THAT IS NOT A CEILING." We'd go on like that. "IT IS NOT RAINING OUT." "MY SHOE IS NOT UNTIED!" Bird would yell. I'd point to my elbow. "THIS IS NOT A SCRAPE." Bird would lift his knee. "THIS IS ALSO NOT A SCRAPE!" "THAT IS NOT A KETTLE!" "NOT A CUP!" "NOT A SPOON!" "NOT DIRTY DISHES!" We denied whole rooms, years, weathers. Once, at the peak of our shouting, Bird took a deep breath. At the top of his lungs, he shrieked: "I! HAVE NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY WHOLE! LIFE!" "But you're only seven," I said."

New lomographic photos...

I would like to apologize to the future me, and potential readers, for this post in advance.
Life is painful, but lately I've been comparing post-graduate life to getting your teeth pulled.
It's easier to curl into one's own shell and be distant and petty and self-focused. I believe people are like that by nature, and fight to be better their whole lives.
People I love, I cannot ask you to be better to me. That will only show my need for you, and that's not what you need- it will only push you farther away. So until you realize it yourself, I'll just take it in stride.

SOMEDAY, MR. FRED, YOU TAKE THIS BOOK,
TURN IT INTO A NOVEL. EVERYTHING IS THERE. JUST FILL IN THE DETAILS.

WOULD BE GOOD FOR SOME LAUGHS.

NO. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
THIS IS A BOOK WOULD BREAK THE HEART.
"MR. FITZSIMMONS-- POWDER ROOM, $50.
"LESS $18--REPAIR ONE BLACK SATIN DRESS.
CAT FOOD, 27 CENTS."

SALLY, DARLING, PLEASE STOP. YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT JACK FITZSIMMONS. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE RAT.
BUT I GUESS, OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY BUT RATS.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FRED HERE.
YOU DO THINK FRED IS NICE, DON'T YOU?

FOR YOU... I HOPE HE IS.