What it This Really is All There Is

(life just has to matter)
I'm not trying to sound heretical or prophetilizing, but was gripped for a moment tonight by a sudden awareness of our collective mortality. Tonight I went to see "God's Fool" at 59 E 59th st, and was really moved by the story of St Francis Assisi. Religious subject matter as a rule can either really scare and upset me, or comfort. Around halfway through, when St Francis meets the Sultan of Egypt, I wondered loudly in my head, what if when we die, something grey and strange and possibly fulfilling happens- is our old life discounted, or really gone? How is the most important thing- living, so quick? I forget days that have only recently happened, and as I grow older, things seem to move faster, and I can barely keep track, but for documenting in diaries and this blog, and through painting and sketching, the progress of life as it continues. When singing, it's the desperate cry to impact listening ears. When acting, to burn ones visage through different stories, into the viewers visual concious. But when I go what if it wasn't enough- isn't that everyone's worst fear? What if I'm forgotten and it was all for nothing, and it was like I never existed. As someone who was raised Christian, I hold onto the belief that no matter what, people must matter and our lives are filled with love no matter what- and that even if cut short, something continues on. But, I was scared tonight. Shirley said I should try and make my life matter. I said, matter to who? Other people? and I think she said yes. I want so much to believe that no matter what, there's something to look forward too, and nothings wasted. And logically to me, it makes sense to believe what could turn out to be nothing, just in case there is something- than to immediately write off what could be. However- while believing that there must be hope, I would very much like this life to not feel cut short at the end someday.

the smell of freshly made mini croissants

I love living on my block sometimes. Having been in this area for years now, I love seeing the same chinese men in their bow ties outside and behind the glass window of Charlie Mom's, on the corner. When I was taking care of a dog, one was so delighted, he went in and got a spare tin of dog food that he wanted me to have. The ladies in the laundromat, the korean family at the deli...

This morning I went to the block's Food Emporium, lazy on my day off. Saw my neighbor Susan who got hit by a falling air conditioner unit back in the day. The buttery smell of freshly made pastries pervaded the whole place as I grabbed probiotic yogurt and aluminum foil. And then the nicest thing happened. The woman behind the bakery counter gave me a mini croissant, fresh out of the oven, for free. And as I bit into (and this is the way all croissants or bagels etc should taste) the sweetest morsel I'd had all day, I sank into myself and closed my eyes, reveling for a minute. It was the nicest moment, and completely unplanned by me, or her, and when I got to the cashier, she, confused, walked back to the bakery section with me, and received, herself, a nice sampling of the goods. So I didn't get charged, and another person was made happy by such a small little thing.

Gonna make some art later, meet some friends at Cafe Sabarsky and then a concert at Hudson River Park.
I was asked by the US Army to work with them again this year on the Don't Ask Dont Tell issue, and as it was such a pleasure last year, I think it's going to be a great gig.
Also a small film some actor friends and I made two weekends ago, is nominated in the competition we submitted it too! A Glance Back was nominated for Best Cinematography, Best Editing and Best Actor for the male lead in the 72 Hr Film Competition with Asian American Film Lab.

Good hair

Missing my old hair from this shoot last summer. How fast time flies.
Wondering what I would look like with none or a very short buzz cut.

Little Christine (short) from Michael Belcher on Vimeo.

just me

Something happens to you when its 100 degrees in the heat wave that is New York Summer and that is refinding that swagger in my step. I can do bad all by myself.
There are good people in my life, everyone who should be in it is. The rest can try and replace me (but they can't).
So.. I'm also shutting down my facebook for a little while. I don't think I like being so available, and the people who need too have other ways of reaching me. My agent and second mom was harrassed by a guy on facebook who really scared everyone who loves her by showing up at her birthday party recently. And I see so many people take things personally because of facebook, and have difficulty letting go because of it.

Also Amy Winehouse died today, and I was surprised, but then realized I shouldnt be surprised. Sad. but not surprised.


Lee Strasberg says there's little difference between the arts theater film or television and that opera is it's highest form
That he doesnt like school in general unless for a specific purpose. And everything that matters should be able to be done on a stage.

Jefferson Market Garden

It was so beautiful today and since I had the day off, I tanned, painted, and read the rest of my chekhov book at this garden near my house- it used to be (I hear) a womens prison, and now is open 12-6 every day but monday... so gorgeous, right near the library.

grindingnyc

A blogger from grindingnyc.com came to the set last weekend and took some really cool photos as well..
http://www.facebook.com/grindingnyc

Thoughts from today

the things I find on my block now and then.

"Kim, if you had your choice, would you rather be a poisonous snake or a nonpoisonous snake?
Poisonous, sir." (from "The Place of Dead Roads" by William Burroughs)

My sister asked how my neighbor was doing, and I assumed she meant this one, so I said the right answer, I thought. Then I realized she might've been talking about a completely different person, also a neighbor.
And I wonder if a lot of really elementary views of people in my life are misconstrued based on assumptions one makes.

Also I'm finally tentatively taking things slow... and I'd really like for this particular person to like me.


i do believe in survival after death. i believe that it's the only thing worth fighting for
-william burroughs

"Well I'm real particular, you know. and patient enough. At least I hope I am. Cuz you know maybe you gotta wait a while, cuz maybe it's not so easy to find the right guy, the one guy you know.
I dont care what he does, as long as he loves me right. With his soul. Takes me for who I am.
Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam, right?" ("Night on Earth")

"she looks delicious" set photos

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