my heart is soft/ my dad

"My heart has thawed and continues to beat." (from "June on the West Coast" by Bright Eyes)

Someone very dear to me is about to lose her sister.
People who I never thought would be in my life again, are like a ghost coming back. And others I thought would stay are very far away. The song 'wheel' by john mayer especially the bit about airports comes to mind.
So my dad and I have a pretty strong amazing relationship that I've always been grateful for. Despite me and my brother feeling like we had to run away and suffocated during high school, and me running away basically to boarding school because I felt so oppressive and stifled (although I studied classical singing which was me and my dad's way to bond growing up), there's no other relationship that's so unconditional and that I've valued more than others. His views on my friendships relationships and career were never wrong, so I always followed it while sometimes being stubborn... and because I followed it logically i must've valued him more than any of those things. It's so strange, really. An inordinately high amount of my close friends lost their fathers young and I think are drawn to the relationship which informs so much of what I say the advice I relay to them. And maybe is why I've never completely fell away from religion ever, the idea of a Heavenly Father that will always be there. And why I love and expect so much from people, even other men; because I know it's possible to really care. Until nature or God take him away I'm reminded of the only guy who's ever always been there for me my whole life, who I must always keep close.

new glasses!

Friday, worked all day at 1st dibs, then went uptown n worked with shirley. then bless and danny and lawrence had some food at happy hr at this place called mccormick and schmicks, hung out at my place for a while and watched this show on netflix i like called louie.
Saturday i ate at veselka (salmon latka something and borchst with beef), got glasses at fabulous fannies, cheesecake and spogiaghetti (?) at venieros, and hung out in belchertown brooklyn, where eating is always strange and healthy.
"you're using your headphones to drown out your mind"
(eet by regina spektor)
Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" had it all wrong. I love the movie- girl with a cat who loves her neighbor in NY- but instead of the eclair with coffee (which does have its merits)- this is where its at! Strawberry Sprinkled, with a tall, skim, with sugar.
Is this an oriole? i found it on my block walking around this morning. Sad.. Also its so cold lately. Toni and Nick are in town again and around. Havent heard any news from Katy or Wendy, almost pointedly but people get busy.
I think people stress the most about things they can't control- precisely for that reason. I said last night that I'm at 23 not ready to wife anyone but there are definitely moments where I look at a person and go soft... I look at objects and the rain and friends and my heart catches.

thats what its like

Three of Us Studios has to be the only casting office in the city with a weapons policy sign in the lobby... right? Mac n cheese experiments

Booty and I having cupcakes for dinner
Love's like the sun, always giving never getting.

Conversations with my brother

Oliver and I live our lives in strange parallels- by being directly opposite in certain ways- if that makes sense. (*Emily's like a super combo of the two of us I think) For each career move one makes- the other seems to unconciously pick the opposite. Relationally, he avoids closeness to avoid the impermanence of romance. A comedian we both like, Louie CK said the most ideal outcome is that you'll meet your best friend and lover, and spend years together, to just have one die first. It's like bringing a puppy home and saying "Here's what's going to make us cry in a few years."
EDIT: Here's the quote (off his wiki) "It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen. ... Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she's going to die. That's the best-case scenario."
Conversely (to my brother), I get such a pleasure out of talking to others and seeing how it could change my perspective. It makes me sad now and then, but although it'll end, relationships are what make life worth it. Since we're always growing and changing, relationships have too as well.

me: oh i asked ---- yesterday
relating to your subway story
Oliver: ??? oh yea
1:53 PM me: i was like- do u ever choose what subway car to go in based on the prettiness of the girls on the platform with u
and he was like yea in a noncreepy way
hes definitely done that
and i said yea ive wanted a cute guy to duck into the same car too
Oliver: totally right?
1:54 PM it's like maybe i'll get to sit next to her
me: ya ya
Oliver: and then maybe we'll talk
and then i can hit it from the back
me: omg hahaha
Oliver: my mind skips when i'm out of work
but yea
me: had a dream last night that our whole family was at a wedding
and we knew a few ppl but not most
it was a huge thing
we were all dressed up
and we said hi to some of the ppl but were mostly in our own chen thing
people started holding hands into a big circle and dancing
1:57 PM and like mommy was holding the hand of the lady next to her and we were a part of the big circle
but in our own little circle
and not dancing really
just facing each other
it was really nice. i think what it means is we should try to all be together this year
1:59 PM i'll come to london first and spend a weekend with u and we could fly out together for xmas break if u want
2:00 PM Oliver: yea sure
wanna go to pakistan for a wedding?
2:06 PM can we talk after i watch tv
it's not that it's more important than you
just more entertaining
me: yes!
Oliver: for limited amounts of time
me: u asked before
Oliver: lol

good people stay and bad people fade and that's the way I'd like it to be. We'll see who sticks around I guess.