Starting over

The New Year is starting in a few days and I have a few things to think about concerning what I want for the next year....
listening to this song by my friend, and really liking it
I'd like to work harder, make more money, give more.

updated reel:

Can't wait to be with my scanner again so I can upload the sketches I've been doing since I came home. Pics of being home are in this and in my previous entry.
Have been brainstorming. And the Chen women got hair cuts.

Happy Holidays, love Paul, Ling, Oliver, Emily, Andrea and Booty Chen

Christmas Eve 12/24/2010

The Secret Garden is my favorite film

Someone recently asked me what my favorite movie was. I used to say Say Anything, back in high school. I like the idea of the story still, all that was on my mind was finding realness in movies, and love. But the acting, some of the side characters, and an overall dislike of the female protagonist has grown gradually over the years.
My favorite movie when I was a child and that I've always quoted growing up, and am watching right now, is The Secret Garden. Being home means that I've developed a deeper relationship with my netflix account. I remember when I first got the movie, it came with a promotional locket. That's why I've always been obsessed with lockets I think. Something secret and precious hung over the heart. And the soundtrack, I still can hum. The visual aesthetics really influenced my photography and sketches... just a really great film. So I hereby amend my answer- world. The Secret Garden

"They even had twin ivory elephants"

liz, what did you once say about acting?
hit your mark, stay in your light and do the same thing every time for continuity
see, anyone can do it.
(30 rock)

General Electric Green Initiative Commercial

I didnt know this was out until my sister was like "someone saw you on TV for this 'green' thing" lol. wait til the end: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvQ_mqui2Bc
-"Idea Girl"





I can go out every night of the week... but it’s just a temporary high ’cause when I close my eyes
I’m somewhere with you, somewhere with you

Messing around with the guitar, really like this song.

I weigh 111.8 lbs

Dallas has been kind to me. Loved being home for a few days, got to see my dad for his birthday, worked on set a bit, got some good advice.
I have this idea of this guy in my head, and I'm going to continue working towards being like him, until I see him again. But for now, keeping focused. maybe this will help me not distracted.
Hung out with the family... Today I went to the doctors, the eye doctor as well, and an audition. Which is where I was surprised to find that I've lost a lot of weight. stress probably. anyway, cant wait to see Booty tomorrow.

daddy's don't just love their children every now and then
it's a love without end, amen

i'm just a soul who's intentions are good.
lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

Hands down
I'm too proud, for love
But with eyes shut
It's you I'm thinking of

anything worth having is hard work. i'm just afraid to fail

Weight vs Lightness

Got a tiny role on this tv show in Dallas and am going to be able to be home for my dad's birthday!
Airborne...
"did you trade a walk on role in the world, for a lead role in a cage" ("Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd)

Do I want to be weighed down by things and people and work.. or be free and lonely as a bird, lighter than anything, only doing things that won't last.

If I am distant sometimes, I'm just giving out what's been given me. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Children, be as innocent as doves, and as cunning as snakes. “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves" (Matthew 10:16)
Was sick yesterday and today, rested finally. I've been working too hard. My parents think it unusual that I still try and talk to people, given the sort of transient life I've grown accustomed too lately. Apparently I should be stressed about things I can't help, and only think of that. But I want to get closer to you, given time.

♫ "I never thought I'd be so tired at 22." - St Elmo's Fire

One thing I don't like about being sick, is being forced to be alone with your thoughts. I don't like it. Too much and I can't get away from it. Also I slept for 14 hours; didn't realize my body wanted that much rest. Is it a sign? Am I putting my energy into the wrong places? (yes).

This is the story of everyone (worth knowing) 's life:
I loved someone very much, and it didn't work out. And life won't be the same unless it someday works out. And until then my life has a void that I fill with ___.
Also. I want to be like Lil Wayne in his documentary where he says he doesnt care about anyone, or anything. I don't want to get there the same way, seems like he's been through some crazy things, but. At times, I'd like to be able to say that.

pleasure vs. happiness

I've been rereading Dorian Gray, and there's a lot I love about it that isn't written in this post yet- but one of the chief themes is the idea of pleasure as compared to happiness.
First of all, they're two different things. If Happiness is the opposite of suffering, then pleasure is as Milan Kundera writes (in Slowness)"the fundamental notion of hedonism... since pleasures often bring more unhappiness than happiness".
So what I can gather lately is to be happy doesn't mean necessarily needing to experience all the things in this world that might feel good or bring pleasure. I used to admire Dorian because he didn't have a conscience, (and wanted to take advantage of his youth, and experience all things) but eventually the constant hiding of it kills you, so I think it'd be better to live with one. and be happy.
I think he actually states at one point in the book, when a woman asks him if he's been happy, that he's gotten a lot of pleasure out of life, but can't say that he's been happy for most of it.

Happy Thanksgiving

I slept in, practiced some guitar. My neighbor Nick and I got some thanksgiving food at Gene's Restaurant down the street, which was nice. Talked on the phone to loved ones, then went to sleep early. Got work at 6:30 AM tomorrow.

Okay, I've rethought some things. My website will have some artwork, and new films and stuff, but not be my main venting area like this blog is. Couldn't leave lol.. so I'm back here :)
But definitely check out andrea-chen.com when you can.

"I remember back when I was in high school I used to feel things so strongly, about people who I cared about, what I wanted to do.

I still like certain people, and know generally what I want to do with myself, but I've been let down before.

It's funny how the absence of something or someone makes you realize how much you care."

"Since graduation, I've been auditioning (auditioned for Hangover 2, and guest roles on a TBS and CBS show). "The Bridge" just won "Best Film" and "Best Directing" at International First Film Festival in China, trailer here: http://www.vimeo.com/1242945

I've been freelancing design for companies like Keanan Duffty, and the National Black Theatre Co. but am still looking for full-time work.
My parents have been supportive but a little anxious. My brother just got a great investment banking job and hasn't even graduated Oxford yet. My sister's about to apply for college soon."

when you're cold

"fighting or begging, life hurts your knees" -the black kids

I'm happy right now. Everything might just be alright in the world.
On the subway, felt so peaceful on the walk over; something fitting.

You know what my last blog post reminded me of just now?
In one of my favorite books, "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss,

"2. WHAT I AM NOT
My brother and I used to play a game. I'd point to a chair. "THIS IS NOT A CHAIR," I'd say. Bird would point to the table. "THIS IS NOT A TABLE." "THIS IS NOT A WALL," I'd say. "THAT IS NOT A CEILING." We'd go on like that. "IT IS NOT RAINING OUT." "MY SHOE IS NOT UNTIED!" Bird would yell. I'd point to my elbow. "THIS IS NOT A SCRAPE." Bird would lift his knee. "THIS IS ALSO NOT A SCRAPE!" "THAT IS NOT A KETTLE!" "NOT A CUP!" "NOT A SPOON!" "NOT DIRTY DISHES!" We denied whole rooms, years, weathers. Once, at the peak of our shouting, Bird took a deep breath. At the top of his lungs, he shrieked: "I! HAVE NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY WHOLE! LIFE!" "But you're only seven," I said."

New lomographic photos...

I would like to apologize to the future me, and potential readers, for this post in advance.
Life is painful, but lately I've been comparing post-graduate life to getting your teeth pulled.
It's easier to curl into one's own shell and be distant and petty and self-focused. I believe people are like that by nature, and fight to be better their whole lives.
People I love, I cannot ask you to be better to me. That will only show my need for you, and that's not what you need- it will only push you farther away. So until you realize it yourself, I'll just take it in stride.

SOMEDAY, MR. FRED, YOU TAKE THIS BOOK,
TURN IT INTO A NOVEL. EVERYTHING IS THERE. JUST FILL IN THE DETAILS.

WOULD BE GOOD FOR SOME LAUGHS.

NO. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
THIS IS A BOOK WOULD BREAK THE HEART.
"MR. FITZSIMMONS-- POWDER ROOM, $50.
"LESS $18--REPAIR ONE BLACK SATIN DRESS.
CAT FOOD, 27 CENTS."

SALLY, DARLING, PLEASE STOP. YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT JACK FITZSIMMONS. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE RAT.
BUT I GUESS, OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY BUT RATS.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FRED HERE.
YOU DO THINK FRED IS NICE, DON'T YOU?

FOR YOU... I HOPE HE IS.

chaaanges

I was standing, drinking coffee for breakfast, in the spot where my dad and I took my graduation photo earlier this year, and saw this ad. Right under the Madison Square Garden sign.

throwback to 2004

redoing my portfolio i came a lot of old, still applicable images. enjoy

Somewhere in between graduation and right now, I got lost. I had an amazing relationship. I had interned at Cosmopolitan Magazine, the NY Historical Society, and HBO. I was the New School Graphic Designer, earning money while going to classes and taking care of my cat. I had a nice studio apartment in the Village that I lived in for years. I was acting.
And these past few months, I've been in a pretentious existential disillusioned funk a la Dustin Hoffman in "the Graduate", knowing that whatever I do now really affects the rest of my life and not wanting to accept it.
So, instead of staying at home watching tv, or backpacking through Europe, or going straight into a job. I lost sight of my boarding school and NY college education. I let myself look at my little brother being at Oxford and my roommate getting engaged as things I could have but didn't want. But I was wrong. I want it all. From here on out I vow to focus on me. I am capable of it all, have been trained too, and deserve it all back, and more. I'm remaking my design portfolio, went over my resume with Kitty last night, have a good agent and am not talking to anyone other than my old friends (who I've known for at least 4 years) and my family. All else is distraction.

These things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

see I could gain the world and make some money, but it's nothing without you, it's nothing without you really
I can change the world, still be a dummy, but it's nothing without you, it's nothing without you really

I was on set this morning eating a Boston Creme donut... and started thinking about how I once told someone they were like the cream to my donut; it makes the donut worthwhile and the rest is just the shell really. Just a memory, a thought, right? So I bite into the donut and start chewing... make it all the way through the donut. And, funnily enough.... there was no filling in this morning's Boston Creme donut. Yup. good story.

Virgin Mobile Commercial

Shot a Virgin Mobile spec commercial early this morning in Brooklyn....
Watched Social Network and really liked it. Made me think about Great Gatsby... staring out into the water on a similar pier, thinking about his unattainable American Dream and a girl.

"away with these nightmares, away with suburbia, shake down away
you marry a role and, you give up your soul til you break down
"it's me and the moon," she says"

General Electric Commercial

Worked last night on General Electric's green initiative commercial. Here's some other videos for GE the directors did... http://www.mssngpeces.com/

I was thinking earlier today that love is like food allergies. You're body has too much, overreacts and you can't have any more for a while. Maybe down the road you'll be able to eat it again, but not right now.
So, like any other girl with 'food allergies' of my age in the city, I could get a gay best friend, or fall into a new job paying lots of attention to someone elses' life to not dwell on my own.
Shooting a commercial for General Electric's Green Initiative tomorrow.

Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her.
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.
Joe Black: Then what is it?
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.
Joe Black: Which is what?
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish?
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.
Joe Black: Those were my words.
William Parrish: They're mine now.

"Heads we will, Tails we'll try again"

Was walking down the street this morning (when I do most of my thinking lately) when I thought of Tyler Durden from Fight Club, one of my favorite characters in a movie, and how he was so fascinating to me because for most of the story he doesn't know who he really is- the 'everyman' who has a dead end job and girl troubles, or the Brad Pitt alter ego, capable of causing a violent phenomenon throughout the country. And I started wondering, why do I keep thinking my actions have any consequence, what if I'm just another 'everyman'? Got my donut and coffee and after my inner monologue- sat in Dunkin Donuts wondering if I should even go to my morning audition. I kept thinking, 'what's the point? why am I even an actor if it's so hard?'. Lately my friends and family have been encouraging me- but what if I don't book anything for the next few months, would you still believe in me?
Was walking down the street this morning (when I do most of my thinking lately) when I thought of Tyler Durden from Fight Club, one of my favorite characters in a movie, and how he was sI worked at a laundromat when I was 15, in a place with no computer, lugging huge piles of laundry, picking through dirty shirts to check for pens and pins, for minimum wage. I saved up that money to help pay for part of boarding school costs that my scholarship didn't cover. But people from home only know that I left texas and went to some fancy art school- they don't know how desperately I wanted to leave and how I worked to audition and get in, and how it was to be away from home so young. And I feel that same difference now.
Getting back on track though, about this morning's audition, or the aftermath. Leaving the Equity building, I was walking by St. Mary's church, and looked inside the entrance into the sanctuary.
Now, growing up I loved the inside of churches. Even when I was lost and on my own in high school, and didn't know what I believed in religion-wise (I wanted to find out for myself, and not just because my parents believed something)- I would just sit and breathe easier inside a church. I used to read about criminals and people escaping the law, who would 'claim sanctuary' in churches and they were safe until they stepped onto the street again (Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame anyone?). So anyway I walked in and sat in one of the back pews, one of the only people in there except for a few homeless guys, and a young couple. I started really praying, wanting only to get some peace. I try so hard to not worry about my life, because I do believe I'm watched over. But it's so frustrating sometimes. I'm waiting for a good, steady career, and the same in a relationship. Until they come to me, what am I supposed to do? I know what I want, but it's out of my hands. I can't do anything about that but wait.
Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself. I can make the rent, and be single, and be fine. But I want the good job and the hubby. Didn't realize before, but I know now.
So now I'm home, I just wanted to jot this all down before I forgot. One more audition to go to today, pray for me.

PS "The Bridge" is playing at the BendFilm Festival Oct 8th!

PPS Did this flier for a great one-woman show that's starting this week:
Did I mention I'm on a little coffee buzz? Manis, pedis, and popeyes soon with i-han.

"It's not that I didn't care, It's that I didn't know"

Runaway set pics

fell asleep with the pets on the couch

I was watching some footage of Avenue Q just now to brush up on the songs... The main character moves into this block in Manhattan and is constantly on the search for his purpose. In fact, even though he falls in love with this girl Kate, Princeton breaks up with her saying he needs to establish himself first. A slutty character gets in between them, but eventually they come back together in the end and he realizes his purpose on the way.
There's an asian character named Christmas Eve who has some great lines- and a song I really like called "The More You Ruv Someone" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xke58bj4JZE

"Runaway" behind the scenes pics...

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ - no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them."
John Mayer, misquoted by the Huffington Post(but I like how it reads anyway)

Good Article: 8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Filmed "Runaway" this weekend! My great costar and crew were incredible and I was really happy working with everyone. The DP really impressed me (which is always a good sign) and I think the teaser trailer will be up in a few days.
"Struck at First Sight" screened tonight and I was super sad I couldnt go.
I am to prove, in time, that I'm a good candidate for relationshipcy, if you would just vote for me.
I'm thinking about sleeping in tomorrow, and sketching, and working, and being happy. Jill and I got a couch this week, so the apartment is even more easy to veg out in.

She was a drowning person: flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent desperate struggle to justify her life.
page 79 "Everything is Illuminated"

Just watched Keith's short that I was in, that was entered in the Interpretations Film Competition... so cute!! Here's the link: http://interpretationsfilm.com/members/keitheng/