"Heads we will, Tails we'll try again"

Was walking down the street this morning (when I do most of my thinking lately) when I thought of Tyler Durden from Fight Club, one of my favorite characters in a movie, and how he was so fascinating to me because for most of the story he doesn't know who he really is- the 'everyman' who has a dead end job and girl troubles, or the Brad Pitt alter ego, capable of causing a violent phenomenon throughout the country. And I started wondering, why do I keep thinking my actions have any consequence, what if I'm just another 'everyman'? Got my donut and coffee and after my inner monologue- sat in Dunkin Donuts wondering if I should even go to my morning audition. I kept thinking, 'what's the point? why am I even an actor if it's so hard?'. Lately my friends and family have been encouraging me- but what if I don't book anything for the next few months, would you still believe in me?
Was walking down the street this morning (when I do most of my thinking lately) when I thought of Tyler Durden from Fight Club, one of my favorite characters in a movie, and how he was sI worked at a laundromat when I was 15, in a place with no computer, lugging huge piles of laundry, picking through dirty shirts to check for pens and pins, for minimum wage. I saved up that money to help pay for part of boarding school costs that my scholarship didn't cover. But people from home only know that I left texas and went to some fancy art school- they don't know how desperately I wanted to leave and how I worked to audition and get in, and how it was to be away from home so young. And I feel that same difference now.
Getting back on track though, about this morning's audition, or the aftermath. Leaving the Equity building, I was walking by St. Mary's church, and looked inside the entrance into the sanctuary.
Now, growing up I loved the inside of churches. Even when I was lost and on my own in high school, and didn't know what I believed in religion-wise (I wanted to find out for myself, and not just because my parents believed something)- I would just sit and breathe easier inside a church. I used to read about criminals and people escaping the law, who would 'claim sanctuary' in churches and they were safe until they stepped onto the street again (Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame anyone?). So anyway I walked in and sat in one of the back pews, one of the only people in there except for a few homeless guys, and a young couple. I started really praying, wanting only to get some peace. I try so hard to not worry about my life, because I do believe I'm watched over. But it's so frustrating sometimes. I'm waiting for a good, steady career, and the same in a relationship. Until they come to me, what am I supposed to do? I know what I want, but it's out of my hands. I can't do anything about that but wait.
Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself. I can make the rent, and be single, and be fine. But I want the good job and the hubby. Didn't realize before, but I know now.
So now I'm home, I just wanted to jot this all down before I forgot. One more audition to go to today, pray for me.

PS "The Bridge" is playing at the BendFilm Festival Oct 8th!

PPS Did this flier for a great one-woman show that's starting this week:
Did I mention I'm on a little coffee buzz? Manis, pedis, and popeyes soon with i-han.

"It's not that I didn't care, It's that I didn't know"