Alright 2014. 

Happy and safe holidays, the Chen's. 2013

i love my life. and everything that's mine.

the world isnt round, it's a prism.

I don't know anything.
& you don't really, ever.
know anything.

All you have is feelings.
that something
is right or wrong,
based mostly on your gut
and what you choose
to believe from what you hear.

So you go with feelings 
and change the world
around you till things
inevitably change & you
realize everything is just
fragments of reality
folding and unfolding
planes of a prism.

and where you look the longest
depends on those feelings and
people who hold your heart the most.

Don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.
-harvey milk

walt whitman
gary shteyngart
ernest hemingway

i've been feeling good. working a lot. spending time with friends.

one reason I like keeping a blog is remembering that last last winter, I wrote this in here:

'commit to living and being weird and passionate or you might as well die.'

and i'm reassured that i haven't changed much.

Things I Drew | Things I Ate Recently

I was talking to my dad tonight about how I've been too impulsive sometimes (Shirley said that a few days ago too.) But I don't think I would've done so many great things if I hadn't been also open to making a bunch of mistakes. I believe in the kindness of strangers but have had people I was real close too hurt me. 

My dad says no one is perfect, some people are just better at hiding it. I really liked that. 

THE DEATH OF LEOPOLD GURSKY
Leopold Gursky started dying on August 18, 1920.
He died learning to walk.
He died standing at the blackboard.
And once, also, carrying a heavy tray.
He died practicing a new way to sign his name.
Opening a window.
Washing his genitals in the bath.
He died alone, because he was too embarrassed to phone anyone.
Or he died thinking about Alma.
Or when he chose not to.
― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

I see crowds of people every day around Penn Station near where I work. I saw them today in soho and tonight in Central Park.

Its really nice that most of the people who were truly good to me are still around. In a world full of nameless people who dont matter, some do.

had the craziest dream last night

I had a dog or was in charge of my friends dog and its this derpy cute small thing, I put it on a leash and we're walking over a bridge and things are good. There's a bunch of other dogs and owners too when this one black little ratty dog really close to the left starts biting at my dogs leg and won't stop he's really like a rat on a leash and no matter what he won't stop and I say something to the owner like 'get control of your dog' and frustrated I look up and he's this guy in all black with sunglasses that genuinely creeps me out and reminds me of his dog and very calmly says 'they're just going to do what they want'.

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love,  it's a waste of your time.

There are too many mediocre things in life; Love shouldn't be one of them.

(Dream for an Insomniac)

Cross your heart and hope to die

tattoo idea

To cross one's fingers is a hand gesture commonly used to to implore God for protection, as well as to wish for good luck.
The gesture is referred to by the common expression "keeping one's fingers crossed" or just "fingers crossed" and has also been historically used in order to allow believers to recognize one another during times of persecution.
Some people, mostly children, also use the gesture to excuse their telling of a white lie. This may have its roots in the belief that the power of the Christian cross might save one from being sent to hell for telling a lie.
A similar belief is that crossing one's fingers invalidates a promise being made.

you know what i really love? when shirley warns me or says things that start with "when you're famous..." like it's not even a question, that she really thinks i could do something that matters.

be sure not to do something permanent just because you feel something temporary

let it go – the
e.e. cummings

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go
let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go
let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear
so comes love

I think I realize why I'm so scared of dying. Why I get panic attacks about it sometimes.
When I was really young, I started to lose my sight really fast. and the thought of the world around me blurring and disappearing freaked me out a lot. I'd have terrible nightmares. And maybe that's where it started.

the pain he feel's the only explanation 
for believing lies are true

i like my new job. I designed a billboard and catalog and website this week. 

the taxi line at penn station, wonjo, apartment, red egg.
pain quotidien, juice at lifethyme, moma's rain room, the exhibitions on oldenberg and corbusier, guggenheim- james turell, utrecht, naptime. spice market, the high line, west side highway water's edge sunset and grass, jane hotel bar, apple pie at french roast. booty.
12 chairs brunch. taxi.

The older I get and the more stories I live through the less I want to write them down or spread it all over social media. 

My bra was irritating me and I'd suspected for a while that I wasn't wearing the right size. As someone who has larger boobs, I'm afraid of sagging, and one of the many causes is wearing an ill fitting bra. So this place is kind of awesome. and instead of a 34B which I thought I was for years, I'm a 32C. http://nymag.com/guides/everything/bras/41545/ The Orchard Corset Center 157 Orchard St., nr. Stanton St. 212-674-0786 This is not so much a bra store as a time warp, stuck resolutely in 1968, with bra boxes piled floor to ceiling and a torn curtain covering the “dressing room.” The owner, a bewigged Orthodox woman, looked up from her crocheting when I walked in. “You’re wearing a D,” she stated in a matter-of-fact Brooklyn accent. “You’re a triple D.”

Stars - Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It (Official ...

Taylor Swift - I Almost Do Lyrics

I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do, I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another goodbye.

Stars - Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It (Official ...

forbes.com thought for today
“ Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are. ”
— Don Herold

Ever get that feeling that what you have to do isn't the right thing but that there's really nothing else you can or should do differently?

Life doesn't always go my way

I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe

I'm just trying to find the woman in me. 

know how to love. then who to love.

Princess and the Goblin by George McDonald. He also did a book called Lillith, 
________________
EVANGELION

Doll-Asuka: Are you lonely? Are you alone?

Asuka: No! [the Doll-Asuka disintegrates] Stay away from me! I'm going to live by my own!

Doll-Asuka: But do you love me?

Asuka: I won't rely on anyone!

Doll-Asuka: But do you really love me?

Asuka: I can live by my own!

Doll-Asuka: But you're lying.

"I can’t miss someone unless they let me miss them. There’s this behavioral science thing tied in with lab rat studies (aren’t all behavioral science things tied into studies of rats somehow?) that says that any reward becomes mundane when it is constant. If people won money every time they pulled the arm of a slot machine, they probably wouldn’t develop addictions to gambling. If you eat a gallon of ice cream every day for the entire summer, ice cream isn’t super delicious again until October. Yes, I am speaking from experience on that one. If your live-in girlfriend makes you coffee every morning, it becomes habitual and you stop appreciating it. If you metaphorically crawl so far up a partner’s butt that they never get any distance from you, they can’t miss you… and getting things you’ve had the chance to want is so very delightful."
i read stoya's blog.

"One day I'll find the right words, and they will be simple.” ― Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

25th birthday. french roast.

 

Saturday I went to the hardware store and got some moving-in type tools & key covers. Then went to Time Warner to get a modem/router. Met up with Barry who I used to work with at 1stdibs. Talked about the future, etc. Discovered Crest Hardware. Met up with Bless in Union Square and we bought matching cachet sketchbooks lol. Really happy for how things are for her right now.

It's Sunday, the rain's pretty much gone. Goin grocery shopping for the first time since coming back (about time!) and finally enjoyin my wifi.

I got back Wednesday night. Nick was there to meet me.

Thursday it felt so good to get coffee and a bagel and walk around again. That feeling of just wandering through my neighborhood was the best. had an audition and filmed. Katy slept over.

Friday had job interviews and filmed an audition tape. Met Jenny at MoMa and saw the Claus Oldenburg exhibit of fake food and I watched part of 'Man to Man'. 

One of my favorite things is to go to the MoMa film screenings alone for some reason it's really soothing and there's no reception and its underground, you can just sort of faintly feel the rumble of the subway sometimes.

it's funny, i've cared SO MUCH about things in the past, but it all fades away in the end. Almost everything I've cared about really.

"you better be right and be last before you be wrong and be first boy" -the paperboy

may your neighbors respect you,

trouble neglect you

angels protect you

and heaven accept you

"shot for me" by drake

Been packin.

"'Frances Ha' is a movie about accepting things as they are, rather than making yourself miserable trying to attain a dream that might not be right" -forbes.com

Take Heart: think with your heart...

Take Heart: think with your heart...:

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 

FEIBENMAO.COM

excited to come back to ny.

love her.

you will never see me eat a raw apple. my throat and lips swell.but i cut an apple up today, sprinkled some cinnamon on it, and put it in the toaster oven at 200 degree for 20 min. and i was able to eat and enjoy it.

 

When i first started this blog i was 18 and wanted everything to happen to me. Now i look in the mirror and I've changed.

I had this dream again where I'm my sister meeting me in the future. We haven't seen each other in a long time and we're driving around in a red car with the top down I think maybe its California. I'm visiting, and feel so distant. She seems pretty still, calm, moneyed but colder. We agree that we wish we'd been closer over the years and she laughs a little hollowly, commenting maybe if things had worked out in Austin. She doesnt look at me really. I see she has this whole life now that ill never know or be a part of. Drops me off after we maybe have lunch and I know I'll never see her again. There's just this general feeling of sadness and missed friendship.

it's tough when what you love isn't yours.

I'm in Arizona, and back on facebook and my blog.

We're shooting the rest of this film, and in a week, I'll go back to my job at a gallery in Austin. Teddy moved out.

This is the first day of my life 

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you 

But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you 

And I’d probably be happy