thats what its like

Three of Us Studios has to be the only casting office in the city with a weapons policy sign in the lobby... right? Mac n cheese experiments

Booty and I having cupcakes for dinner
Love's like the sun, always giving never getting.

Conversations with my brother

Oliver and I live our lives in strange parallels- by being directly opposite in certain ways- if that makes sense. (*Emily's like a super combo of the two of us I think) For each career move one makes- the other seems to unconciously pick the opposite. Relationally, he avoids closeness to avoid the impermanence of romance. A comedian we both like, Louie CK said the most ideal outcome is that you'll meet your best friend and lover, and spend years together, to just have one die first. It's like bringing a puppy home and saying "Here's what's going to make us cry in a few years."
EDIT: Here's the quote (off his wiki) "It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen. ... Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she's going to die. That's the best-case scenario."
Conversely (to my brother), I get such a pleasure out of talking to others and seeing how it could change my perspective. It makes me sad now and then, but although it'll end, relationships are what make life worth it. Since we're always growing and changing, relationships have too as well.

me: oh i asked ---- yesterday
relating to your subway story
Oliver: ??? oh yea
1:53 PM me: i was like- do u ever choose what subway car to go in based on the prettiness of the girls on the platform with u
and he was like yea in a noncreepy way
hes definitely done that
and i said yea ive wanted a cute guy to duck into the same car too
Oliver: totally right?
1:54 PM it's like maybe i'll get to sit next to her
me: ya ya
Oliver: and then maybe we'll talk
and then i can hit it from the back
me: omg hahaha
Oliver: my mind skips when i'm out of work
but yea
me: had a dream last night that our whole family was at a wedding
and we knew a few ppl but not most
it was a huge thing
we were all dressed up
and we said hi to some of the ppl but were mostly in our own chen thing
people started holding hands into a big circle and dancing
1:57 PM and like mommy was holding the hand of the lady next to her and we were a part of the big circle
but in our own little circle
and not dancing really
just facing each other
it was really nice. i think what it means is we should try to all be together this year
1:59 PM i'll come to london first and spend a weekend with u and we could fly out together for xmas break if u want
2:00 PM Oliver: yea sure
wanna go to pakistan for a wedding?
2:06 PM can we talk after i watch tv
it's not that it's more important than you
just more entertaining
me: yes!
Oliver: for limited amounts of time
me: u asked before
Oliver: lol

good people stay and bad people fade and that's the way I'd like it to be. We'll see who sticks around I guess.

I get over shit quick if I do say so myself. Made a list to be happy again and its worked- personal goals will do that. I really hope I get this pilot.. been going out for more voiceover and commercial stuff. the design job's good. And I'm pimping again. no feelings. It's been largely like that since graduation, casual stuff here and there, but I was a little thrown for a loop recently. But that's done and I'm back!

I had brunch at the trilby sunday. It was china day in a random park on e. houston st and chrystie. went to good news church (part of remnant fellowship) with wendy.
I read the start of "the birth of venus"... and liked it.. about a nun in a convent, dying from a tumor but when they uncover her there is no tumor but a fake pigs bladder, she's been slowly poisoning herself... and a huge snake tattoo circling her whole body..

Saturday

Saturday was nice, went to yoga and walked around Park slope. Someone had suggested I get a little french press coffee maker because I do drink a lot o coffee lately, and so I saw one in the morning and after trying this morning, do prefer it over instant. Took the train to Park Slope, visited Film Biz Prop Shop (pretty cheap furniture and house things that were on film sets in the past- thats where i got the books shown) and Gorilla Coffee.

Down the street from my apartment, on 11th between Greenwich and 6th ave, someone drew this on the side of the old St Vincents Hospital. I liked.

The saddest part of a broken heart, Isn't the ending so much as the start

I wanna love someone inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hangin out

i'll carry you. you'll carry me
that's how it could be.
don't you know me?
don't you know me by now?
(poet reciting to the protagonists in 'before sunrise')

Friday Hue came and stayed with me and we went to her old bosses fashion week event. Jenny's presentation of her first collection was saturday and I want her to do well so much http://notaligne.tumblr.com/ . Then sunday was 10 yrs since 9/11, just stayed in... Monday was work (I was quiet and tired) and then the Metal Mag fashion week party I always go to... now its basically tuesday and I should sleep before the long day...

I've had this recurring dream where all my old journals and diaries are all lost somehow, my parents move and lose them, a fire gets to them.... I guess that's one of the advantages to having this one since moving to NY... i can get it from any computer and no one knows about it really and besides when I die nothing's secret anymore. My worst fear is losing remembering who I am and whats happened.
I've been so dumb at times though. Everything I ever want careerwise boywise it's always shown in time.

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,

I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,

I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

(walt whitman)

ideas i have that you cant steal

ok? ok.
1. tip jars. i've been taking pictures of tip jars around the city that are hilarious... 'just the tip', 'support counter intelligence', etc... i'm thinking a little book called 'here's a tip' and it'd be a sort of comment on how to charmingly ask for $
2. a montage of little 2 minute iphone videos of my computer screen, i've been taking of the climactic realizations of different rom com's I watch, of people expounding how important love is. it'd be titled 'hence our ridiculous obsession with love'
3. the childrens book illusrations for a book shirley and i have been planning.
4. expanding on my thesis about peoples dreams, on the pages of my 'sleepless nights', and other doctorly books on sleep...
this is a note to self... and i hate when i get attached to ideas and then see them out in the world a year later and its not that well done.

Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.

from my favorite poet...
Trippers and askers surround me,
People I meet, the effect upon me of my early life or the ward and
city I live in, or the nation,
The latest dates, discoveries, inventions, societies, authors old and new,
My dinner, dress, associates, looks, compliments, dues,
The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love...
These come to me days and nights and go from me again,
But they are not the Me myself.