i'm planting a garden in my windowsill. a grapevine i brought back from maine. barley grass that cats like, from a seed packet i found in the apartment lobby. and i found a bag of potatoes sprouting in my kitchen- i remember cutting off the sprouting sections (throwing out the rest) and planting them when i was a little kid and the smell of soil.

another person at the bar last night, a regular, was talking about how he couldn't get it out of his head that his wife who he met at 18, each other's first loves, had an affair once. but i examined my own life maybe it's a generational thing, everyone i've ever loved, loved someone else too. why get jealous; if you have something beautiful of course other people have wanted it, just be glad you have it.

nothing is for keeps... the times are a' changing, i'm nothing that i know, except this is us, this is love, this is where i sleep.

someone who works with me at the bar was telling me how he shares all his money with his girlfriend. they just put in all they have. he has a tattoo of her initials on his forearm. they're so happy. he's 24. he said life is better with another person.
i said i'm better alone because i havent been ready, and when it's right it'll be the most amazing right thing. but i dont want to be with myself half the time, how can i expect anyone else to want too. i want to travel and be better than I am right now, and when i'm the most awesome i can be, that's when i want it to happen.

also I lost my phone yesterday and i'm kind of okay with trying to live without it for now. i suspended it.

today I watched cruel intentions, fatal attraction, and indecent proposal. (thank you netflix instant watch)

I get a stab of panic when I see tribes in the jungle who have this whole other way of seeing the world than myself. I wonder how they view things and whether I have the proper grasp of what it is to be fully human, or have a complete life/ soul. Then I wonder if I'll ever get to long enough hours, see enough, and understand more than i've been given. Leave a record of what I see so it's considered important or worthwhile- and what'll happen to me afterwards.
My first morning in Maine when I was walking through the rain early in the morning, I came upon a man who hadnt shaved, was dressed like he seemed; out of his mind with grief or drugs, screaming "Jimmy, Jimmy". Moved and scared, I really wanted the right person to answer him.

Maine/ Edge of the world

I left Thursday morning, got into boston and met up with Vivian for lunch. We went to Penang, where my friends and I went for a prom dinner high school junior year, in chinatown, a few blocks from the bus station. Got into Maine around 6, a girl named Sophi picked me up in her truck. Met her dog Bella, the friendliest little thing. Stayed on her boat the first night, she was childhood best friends with kallie who was a viola major at high school. Got drinks down the street from the marina with her friend Kyle.
The next day i woke up really early and walked 2 miles in the rain, it smelt of grass and mulch. saw a Denny's sign in the distance near the hotel like a beacon of light to the southern or just the fat at heart. ate a short stack of bananaberry pancakes. Walked to the hotel, checked in 8 hours early, and did laundry, sat in the hot tub. Sophi called when she got out of work, we got coffee and went everywhere, the beach is the most important. Walked on the rocks and picked seashells like when I was a little girl on the same beach. We met up with Kyle and Tyler at a museum and saw some Degas. Then got drinks at the roof of the Eastland. Then went to Tylers and drank and ate well.
Today I woke up and hung out in the hotel. Had a sail around the harbor with Kyle and Sophi. Saw Tyler and the dogs for a bit. I want to learn more about this world, when it's later in the summer. Got tacos, then walked on the beach more. Been reading all evening. Back to New York tomorrow.

People will do things to make you love them, then ask you to forget http://instagr.am/p/J4zEKOL2qF/

going to the edge of the world. i can't decide if I'm losing my mind or finding it.